Traffic Horrors: How to Spend 5 Hours In A Lagos Bus Without Running Mad

*The best way to survive a lagos bus in traffic is by not being in one at all, and we’re not even joking. *

Now, Lagos Buses, Danfos, Molues, moving caskets.

We have all heard of these infamous means of transport and the stories of horror that surround them. Cranky conductors, Delusional Drivers and the psychotic passengers. The noise that emanates from different angles of these buses cannot be blocked out by noise cancelling earphones. Go ahead, try it.

The things that occur on a 15 minute journey in any of these buses are enough to lock the driver, passengers and always shouting conductor in a prison cell. Nigerians undergo a lot of stress daily on Lagos roads it’s a miracle we don’t have that many psychopaths roaming our streets.

If you are visiting Lagos for the first time, chances are that you will have to brave the Lagos traffic at one point or the other. It would be immensely tragic if you have to face it without warning/prior preparation. Consider this the crash course/survival guide to coping in the ridiculous bottlenecks that come with this beloved commercial city.
CHANGE
No. I don’t mean the APC slogan. I mean change. Before you enter any Lagos bus, make sure you have the exact amount of money that you need to pay the conductor. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when he starts saying stuff like:

Nobody can save you. All the other passengers would be like:

While you’ll be shaking and drowning in a pool of your own tears just like

A quick tip for whenever you are stuck with N1,000 before entering a Lagos bus is to quickly buy something, anything! You will have to buy recharge cards, handkerchiefs, a wristwatch and a small plot of land near Ojota simply to get change to pay the bus conductor.

Seriously. Hell hath no fury like a bus conductor who told you ‘N1000 no enter oh!’

To avoid the wrath and colorful insults of sweaty bus conductors, do yourself a favor and make a habit of keeping loose change about your person so you are never caught in the awkward position of stretching a N1000 note to a conductor on a N50 bus route.

MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS
Many of us, I am sure, plan to become United Nations Peace Ambassadors. However, for the love of all that is good and righteous, a Lagos bus is not the place to practice your arbitration skills. Arguments happen every time on lagos buses: between two passengers, between a conductor and a passenger, between the driver and the conductor.

It is your duty to, as calmly as possible, extricate yourself from these

The best thing you can do is ‘unlook’. If you find that difficult, hold your lips just like

If you refuse to heed these warnings, you might find yourself the victim of vicious insults and in extreme cases, a punch or two. Now is not the time to be peacekeeper. Mind your business, face your front and you just might make it out alive.

TALK IS CHEAP BUT IT MIGHT COST YOU YOUR LIFE.
You’ve  spotted that fine fellow, and you’re just dying to have a conversation with them. It’s nice to make friends, but not in a Danfo please. You won’t die if you don’t say hello to that person. I understand that it is really tempting, but this conversation might signal the beginning of the end for you. You have been warned. If anyone talks to you, remember your home training and don’t interact with strangers unnecessarily.

TWITTER FINGERS MIGHT ATTRACT TRIGGER FINGERS

That fire tweet that has been on the back of your mind for days has finally taken form. You salivate thinking of the thousands of RTs and LOLs that you’re going to get on that tweet. Maybe your twitter crush would even ‘LOL’  your tweet and you’ll find a way to enter her Dm’s from there. Oga opportunity. Don’t do it. Resist the temptation to bring out that device. If you make the mistake of bringing it out, you might end up having to submit your phone to someone more powerful than you are. Of course, it’s a fellow passenger. God help you if the thief decides to be stealthy. You’ll return your phone into your pocket thinking of your imaginary RTs without knowing they’re being collated in someone else’s pocket. You’ll only find out if you make it out of the bus alive. So hold on to that fire tweet, you just might make it alive of the bus to tweet it. Just don’t do it in the Danfo.

IT’S NOT OVER UNTIL THE FAT LADY SINGS
Danfos are filled with different types of people. You’ll wonder if some are human, but please make sure you do all your wondering in the safety of your head. If per adventure, you find yourself having to sit near a fat lady in the bus. Make up your mind to manage. Do not utter a word or tell her to ‘shift’. If you do, congratulations you have managed to turn all the passengers in the bus against you. The fat lady only has to be there like

While the other passengers come at you like

A Danfo isn’t the place to preach your fitfam gospel. Save it, so your life can be saved.

SIGNS AND WONDERS
Now, there are people who make buses their offices. Some even take it as far as making it their pulpit. There would be one person who sells drugs, take that smile off your face. I don’t mean crack. I mean ‘Dr Afaka’s all purpose medicine’. These drugs can cure diseases that you haven’t heard of and the vendors are the best marketers you’ll see yet. The goal is to save your life, please pretend like you cannot hear the advertisements. If you are directly spoken to, smile and shake your head politely . You’ll be wise to give up a little some of money to those that solicit for charity in the bus. Trust me, you don’t want all the other passengers looking at you like you’re the Grinch who stole Christmas.

REMEMBER TO BREATHE

In a bus, make sure you try your best to secure a window seat. There are a million and one smells that exist in the confines of a Danfo. If you do not wish to die of suffocation, try your best to sit near a window. If you don’t , you’re going to spend your journey breaking every ‘how long can you hold your breath for?’ record. No, you wouldn’t be rewarded. If you’re unfortunate not to have a window seat, endeavour not to complain. It is a test of your endurance.  If you survive this ordeal, you can survive almost anything.

Now, we’ve come to the end of your journey to death. Oh you’re still alive ? Congratulations. Please make sure you announce that you’ll be coming down five minutes before you reach your bus stop. Make sure you remind the conductor every one minute afterwards too. If you announce that you want to come down just when you reach your bus stop, you survived for nothing. You’re sure to be driven to the ends of the world. You’ll probably find yourself in a neighbouring state at midnight wandering around naked. Now,everyone would know that you’re mad.

I hope you’ve found these tips helpful, and would follow them to the letter. I still don’t understand why you would want to trap yourself in a Danfo for five hours though shrugs to each his own.