Naijasinglegirl: Hillarious love story with my oyinbo boyfriend.

Here is an excerpt from when I was nagged on romance on my personal blog.  I had to put it out here so you understand today’s post better.

[The first romantic fantasy I ever wanted was to lie by a natural waterside with my lover while we tell ourselves ‘sweet nothings’.
We might even strip and dive into the water like it happens abroad. Then I remembered most Nigerian men have a big tummy full of fufu. The pressure of the 15kg of fufu in his tummy might just drown my lover. Aside that, my enemies might be lurking around with camera phone waiting to take my nudes.
Okay, no diving! We’ll just lie by the waterside.
I thought of a suitable beach we could visit. No idea so I googled the words ‘lying down with boyfriend in a Nigerian Beach’

Results:
-Two dead bodies found lying in Elegushi Beach aftermath of severe tide.
-Boyfriend machetes girlfriend to death at a popular beach in Lagos
-A dead fish suspected to be shark found at Beach in Nigeria
-Birthday party turns mourning ground as a final year undergraduate of UNILAG drowns in Beach.

Arrgghhh!!!!

Bad news in beaches.

Water might even wash us away while we are busy whispering sweet nothings.
I didn’t want a situation I’ll lie on the beach sand with my lover only to open my eyes to see him in hell while I’m chilling in heaven. LOL
Whatever happened to those sort of cool deaths that ends with car chases, explosions in slow motion and several police helicopters hovering around one body?

I thought of going for rivers.
River Niger was the only River I could think of. It means we are going to drive down all the way to Onitsha just to lie under bridge like refuges just because I want to experience romance?
The government even said Niger Bridge might collapse soon. What if it collapses on our heads while we are busy whispering ‘sweet nothings’?
How am I going to explain what we were doing to Angel Gabriel when I arrive at heaven’s gate?
I don’t even want to mention all the disgusting refuse by River Niger and other ‘yama yama’.
Love is not that serious so I ruled out rivers.

Okay I was going to settle for streams, I thought.
I called a friend that stays in the outskirts of town to enquire if I could visit their village stream for ‘romantic purposes’
”My dear, you can go o BUT you are at your own risk o! I heard that’s where they do sacrifice to gods. Aside that, there is a harmless python that…”

”Okay okay okay! I don’t want to hear more” I cut her off at the mention of the word python.
How am I going to explain the snake bites to my parents all in the name of romance?
Lying by the waterside in Nigeria✗]

So there is a saying that goes ‘Be careful with what you wish for!’

I’ve been craving romance in Nigeria for ages but when it eventually found me, It came with lots of commas.

Few weeks ago, I went to Silverbird Cinemas at Victoria Island where I met this London based Nigerian. He was on a one month holiday in Lagos and well, according to him, he had fallen in love with me at first sight.

Oh yeah, goodbye to singlehood I thought.

A week after we met, the friendship took a strain on me. Its not like I was not attracted to him or I didn’t appreciate the distraction. In the simplest terms, his western ideologies made our dates tortures.

Whenever we went to the movies, he had this habit of ordering a can of popcorn and he usually fed me one grain every thirty seconds. I pretended to like it just to please him but I couldn’t help taking a trip to the loo every five minutes to spit that nonsense corn shaft out.
Cinemas which used to be one of my best places to hangout in Lagos became somewhere I dreaded. No thanks to my Corn Guy.

We once went on a date to Eko Hotels & Suites. Being the glutton I am, I was hoping to have a 3-course meal there only for him to crash my hopes by telling me,
“We are just here for the ambience”
The ambience? WT…?
The ambience when hunger was killing me?
The ambience when I was ‘hearing and tasting’ the aroma of the aboki’s suya nearby?
The ambience when all I needed was someone to shove the legs of peppered goat meat into my mouth.

The height of it was when he took me to Tinubu Square at Balogun for a ‘special treat’ one Saturday evening.
We got there and he brought out a guitar and began playing some Don Williams hits for me.
I had to use my hands to wedge my chin then occasionally mutter OMi God! Omi God! in hypocrisy just the way love obsessed teenagers act in Hollywood romantic movies.

Deep down, I was swimming in the ocean of embarrassment.
Lagos abgeros, gala sellers, la casera sellers, hawkers and conductors had a field day laughing at us.
Someone even took out his mobile phone and made a short video of us!
I’ll be damned if that video circulates!
When it was over, he said the next time we go out, he’ll make sure we go for a romantic walk at Third Mainland Bridge.

See this small boy oh?Am I mad?

I had to claim I was down with malaria till Romeo went back to London.

Now I’m back to my solo life, I’m left with one big question.
What are the fun things to do in Lagos or sane romantic things to do in Lagos without making humans around me act like a CCTV camera?
Please I’ll appreciate contributions from everybody reading this.
Help a sister please.
Thank you.