Naijasinglegirl: My a la carte experience in Lagos

All my life, I never had the opportunity to dine in an outrageously expensive restaurant but that changed last week.
I was the second person on the queue at a GTB in Lagos when this good-looking guy requested for my biro.

I willingly handed it over. That was not all he needed.

“Could you please help me pay in this money? This queue is damn long” he spoke with a faint American accent.
“Errrrm…..okay” I agreed.

He handed me a bundle of one thousand naira notes and a deposit slip.

Ten minutes later I was done with our transactions. We had a brief conversation, exchanged numbers and parted ways.

Later that evening I recieved a  whatsapp notification. It was from Ade, the bank guy. He offered to take me to any nice spot in Lagos. My suggestions were any among Lagos beaches, a cinema in Lagos or one of Lagos restaurants. He settled for my third option.

The last message I got was:
“I’ll come pick you by 4pm. We dinning in a la carte style.”
La Carte?

The mere sight of that word got me grinning sheepishly.

3:50pm next day, Ade was already at my front gate.
I was in high spirits as he drove to a fancy restaurant in Victoria Island.

It was the most exotic restaurant (Name withheld) I have ever been.

Every corner spelt class in caps lock.

Soft jazz music filled the air.Not one of those restaurants where the sound of Terry G’s bell welcomes you.

It was no doubt a foreign restaurant. Our host and chefs were foreigners too.

A menu was handed to us and Ade placed his order first. I could not pronounce anything written but I pretended I understood the menu. Nothing looked familiar except the word steak. I finally stumbled on one item with soup as the last word.

I heaved a sigh of relief.

This must be their ‘botanical name’ for either goat meat or chicken pepper soup, I thought.
“Get me this …. soup” I told the waiter while pointing at it from the menu.

As soon as the waiter left, I peeked at the leftovers from the unoccupied table adjacent to us.
The sight froze me.

I started getting suspicious.
Ade’s food came first. I peeped inside.

What the hell did he order for and what is that scent leaf for? He had a satisfied look on his face as he began nibbling happily.

Thirty seconds later my ‘peppersoup’ arrived. I looked at it and swallowed hard.

 

I could not understand the moimoi/patatoes peppersoup that was drowning half an egg in front of me.
“You ordered healthy food unlike Lagos girls. I’m attracted to girls like you” He complimented me without the faintest idea.
Determined not to let him take back his compliments, I started swallowing from the brightest condiments in the food to the least bright ones.
The experience was horrible.
The waiter arrived with our bills.

I peeped it at it.

The bills ‘seniored’ my monthly salary by N800.
I could not hold back the tears anymore. I excused myself to the restroom.

How can such trash I couldn’t wait to purge out be that pricey.
I wiped my tears and headed back to our table.
“Can we leave now? I’m sure you enjoyed your meal” he asked with an satisfied look on his face. If I had replied him, I would have rained five pages of curses on him.
As we made to exit, I was tempted to help myself to the silverware to compensate myself for my à la carte debacle. The waiter flashed me a ‘thank you for coming smile’. I returned it with my most vicious look.

Lesson learnt!
The iya basira carte you know is better than the a la carte you don’t know.